You Are Not Alone

World Suicide Prevention Day (WSPD) is observed on September 10th every year since 2003.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline:

Text/Call: 988

https://988lifeline.org

One major topic I brought to light in my recent exhibit of Chronically Chill is Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). I was diagnosed with MDD in my early college years; however, I knew I struggled with it long before that. Before I share one of many experiences with you, please allow me to provide a background of MDD.

Major depression is more than just a "bad day," or passing sadness. The most prominent symptom of major depressive disorder is a severe and persistent low mood, deep sadness, or a sense of despair. The mood sometimes presents as irritability or the person suffering may not be able to enjoy activities that are normally pleasurable.

 

Symptoms are defined as lasting at least two weeks but usually go on much longer, often months or years. A variety of symptoms accompany the low mood, and these symptoms vary significantly among individuals. Many people with depression also have anxiety. People with depression are at more risk for abusing alcohol or other substances.

Depression likely involves alterations in regions of the brain responsible for mood regulation. In some areas of the brain, nerve cells may not be functioning properly. Disrupted communication between the cells or nerve circuits can make it more difficult to regulate emotions. Hormonal imbalances may also contribute to mood disturbances. Additionally, an individual’s life experiences and genetic factors influence how prone someone is to developing depression.

Source: “Major Depression.” Edited by Howard E. LeWine, Harvard Health, 7 May 2024, www.health.harvard.edu/a_to_z/major-depression-a-to-z.

I never tried to off myself, but there were many times in high school and college where I thought to myself "Wow, I wish I just didn't exist." or "I'd be better off dead... no one would miss me." This was scary. I remember during one of my first jobs, I tried talking to a friend about how I was feeling and he said "You just want attention, you don't really feel that way." That is probably one of the worst things he could have said to me. But then I started to believe it. I started to believe that maybe I did want the attention. In reality, I just wanted to be seen and understand what my mind and body was going through.

It would be a few years until I started seeing a therapist, therapy wasn't even on my radar because at the time, some of my family didn't believe in it. You just had to "pray it away." In 2007/2008, more frequent panic attacks haunted me. I decided to seek help in some capacity so I set up an appointment with a new family doctor (he was awful, by the way). I presented him with my symptoms hoping he could help. Mind you, I had never taken an anti-depressant and I didn't know much about them, hence going to a professional. Our conversation went a bit like this:

Doc: Well, what do you want to take?

Me: I'm not really sure, I don't know what my options are.

Doc: You have to help me out a little with what you want.

Me: I don't know. My boyfriend's mom takes Effexor for her depression. That's the only med I'm aware of.

Doc: Okay. Then let's start you on that.

.DISMISSED.

Never again. I have learned to do my own extensive research before trying a medication.

Effexor is a serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (SNRI). It increases the levels of both serotonin and norepinephrine in the brain. It works for some, but not others. Effexor is known for its severe side effects. I was not educated on the side effects, withdrawal effects, or risks of taking this drug. I don't recall how long I was on Effexor, 3-6 months maybe? WORST experience EVER. I became an NPC, Non-Player Character, in my own life. I just moved through life emotionless, on autopilot. I could not cry and I didn't laugh like I wanted. Just a blank space. Everything felt 'meh.'

One day I decided it was enough. I had the brilliant idea to stop the meds cold turkey without telling anyone. 10 out of 10 do not recommend. One night, I woke up in my dorm room around 2am already having a panic attack. I sprung up in bed with a fever, crying, sweating profusely. I was disoriented. I immediately called my mom. I was sobbing. I mumbled that I couldn't take it anymore and I didn't know what I was doing. As I blubbered through my snot, tears, and sweat I told her I wanted to drop out. I said "I'm going to the admin office tomorrow and unenrolling from Kutztown."

My mother remained fairly calm. She asked me to stick it out one more month. She reminded me of how far I had come in my college career. One month and one semester to go. She said "You can do it, I know you." My mom always said "If there's a will, there is a way." She also often reminded me that I was strong-willed like my, now late, grandmother (paternal).

I don't remember much between that phone call and the end of the semester. I believe I blocked much of it out. But I recovered from the withdrawal after a week or so and I ended the semester with a 4.0.

Thanks Mom.

Fast forward to 2025... I have tried a few different medications to treat anxiety and depression between 2007 and present. The most successful has been Lexapro, which is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI). I'm not thrilled that I have to take it, but it keeps me in check. AND IT'S TOTALLY OKAY TO TAKE MEDICATION! We often can't do it alone.

You are not alone.

All At Once, 2025 (Collage)